**Official** Jokes thread

[TonyM]

a few blonde jokes from AOD
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[ryantowry_81]

good stuff

[Grape Ape]

so an iguana is walking through the forest and all of a sudden he hears some laughing and coughing. He looks up in a tree and sees a koala bear perched up near the top of a tree. The iguana climbs up and says "hey whats goin on" the koala responds "not much just smokin some weeeed bro.." the iguana, all confused and shit says " hey can i try?" So the koala passes him the bowl and they smoke. A few minutes later the iguana says "hey man im thirsty as shit" the koala says "theres a river right down there go get some water and ill pack another bowl." The iguana, blitz out of his mind, starts crawlin down the tree toward the river. He slips and falls into the river. A crocodile sees the iguana thrashing around and drowning and swims over to rescue him. Once they get to the bank the crocodile says" what the hell happened?" The iguana says " i was smoking weed with a koala up in that tree over there". The crocodile in disbelief says" bullshit, no way man." The iguana tells him to go look for himself while he catches his breath. So the crocodile walks over and looks up the tree and yells "HEY ANYONE THERE" The koala looks down and with big eyes says "HOLY SHIT MAN, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK!!!!!?????"

[TonyM]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
>> even considered yet!
>>
>>
>> An 85-year-old man was requested by his
>> Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
>> exam.
>>
>> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
>> this jar home and bring back a semen sample
>> tomorrow.'
>>
>> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
>> at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
>> which was as clean and empty as on the
>> previous day.
>>
>> The doctor asked what happened and the man
>> explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
>> with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
>> with my left hand, but still nothing.
>>
>> 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
>> her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
>> She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
>> then with her teeth out, still nothing.
>>
>> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
>> and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
>> armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
>> her knees, but still nothing.'
>>
>> The doctor was shocked!
>> *'You asked your neighbor?' *
>>
>> The old man replied,
>> 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
>>

[s4x4]

Speakin of old people.

What do old people and the wonderful toy, the slinky have in common?


They both bring a smile to your face as you shove them down the stairs.

:yesnod:

[FordCummins]

The 19th hole

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

> COLD BEER: $2.00

> HAMBURGER: $2.25

> CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

> CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

> HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am!"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger!"

[chris112lee]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... Will you marry me? The Princess said NO! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went off roading, drag racing, and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End

[TonyM]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRZiF_uOvv4

[TonyM]

Got this in the mail... how to interpret certain things....

[TonyM]

Montana Bear Tragedy

This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!
The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife . . . .

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party..... as they have apparently learned to just sit on their ass and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
This photo is of a Democratic black bear in Montana nicknamed…:

Bearack Obearma

[TonyM]

HAHA... from an email... :rofl:

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

[TonyM]

Two Cajun hunters from Lafayette, La. hired a bush pilot to fly them from Montreal to a bush camp in Northern Ontario to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the float plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose. They objected strongly, saying in their Cajun drawl, "Last year we shoot four moose, and the pilot he say he let us put dem all on board, and he gots the same plane as you."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in thinking if the other bush pilot could do it, so could he. The Cajun's gear, rifles, and all four field dressed moose were tucked aboard in every available space, hindquarters strapped to the floats, and front shoulders hung from the wing struts. The boys squeezed themselves into their seats and put the seat belts on.

Unfortunately, even at full power and a long takeoff run across a glassy calm lake, the little float plane couldn't handle the load and crashed into the trees a few seconds after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Boy, you got any idee where we at?"

Thibodeaux looked around some and then slowly replied, "I think we pretty damn close to where we crash last year."

[RentalMan]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

[FordCummins]

Let's Just Offend Everyone

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days".

I told him, "I wish I had your will power"!

********************

TOP TIP: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, ----- it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.

Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

********************


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, "sorry about the wait".

I said, "don't worry fatty, you are bound to lose it eventually."

********************

Snow in the forcast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself 'fat chance with a face like that!'

********************
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

********************

Years ago it was suggested that 'an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

********************

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

[FordCummins]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[FordCummins]

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

Keep Christ in Christmas

[FordCummins]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
Never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
Comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and regret. She will enable him to express his
Deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible. .. .


No wait... shit, I’m sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...

Never mind.

[FordCummins]

Indian teacher explaining the word Fuck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdzQpq1CkKU

[FordCummins]

Grammar

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[FordCummins]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

[FordCummins]

Broccoli Casserole
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.


This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.


The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit

and lets out a dainty fart.


It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.


The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A
few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.




Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she
shits on you!'

[FordCummins]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,



when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a £50.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[FordCummins]

This is alarming


Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

[FordCummins]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
> The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and
> a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says
> the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40
> please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
> payment.
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and a coke."
>
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
>
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
> waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
> a salad," says the man.
>
> "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
> "That will be $32.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
> the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How
> do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
> time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
> an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My
> first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my
> hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
> you live!"
>
> "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
> is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a
> big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[FordCummins]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[TonyM]

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks-all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

[TonyM]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is

a drunk man asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"



He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago

when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[sledheadak]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?"

[sledheadak]

The Beer Prayer
--------------------

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by they drink.

Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill
against us.

And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
For ever and ever,
Barmen.