**Official** Jokes thread

[TonyM]

a few blonde jokes from AOD
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[ryantowry_81]

good stuff

[Grape Ape]

so an iguana is walking through the forest and all of a sudden he hears some laughing and coughing. He looks up in a tree and sees a koala bear perched up near the top of a tree. The iguana climbs up and says "hey whats goin on" the koala responds "not much just smokin some weeeed bro.." the iguana, all confused and shit says " hey can i try?" So the koala passes him the bowl and they smoke. A few minutes later the iguana says "hey man im thirsty as shit" the koala says "theres a river right down there go get some water and ill pack another bowl." The iguana, blitz out of his mind, starts crawlin down the tree toward the river. He slips and falls into the river. A crocodile sees the iguana thrashing around and drowning and swims over to rescue him. Once they get to the bank the crocodile says" what the hell happened?" The iguana says " i was smoking weed with a koala up in that tree over there". The crocodile in disbelief says" bullshit, no way man." The iguana tells him to go look for himself while he catches his breath. So the crocodile walks over and looks up the tree and yells "HEY ANYONE THERE" The koala looks down and with big eyes says "HOLY SHIT MAN, HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK!!!!!?????"

[TonyM]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
>> even considered yet!
>>
>>
>> An 85-year-old man was requested by his
>> Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
>> exam.
>>
>> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
>> this jar home and bring back a semen sample
>> tomorrow.'
>>
>> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
>> at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
>> which was as clean and empty as on the
>> previous day.
>>
>> The doctor asked what happened and the man
>> explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
>> with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
>> with my left hand, but still nothing.
>>
>> 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
>> her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
>> She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
>> then with her teeth out, still nothing.
>>
>> 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
>> and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
>> armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
>> her knees, but still nothing.'
>>
>> The doctor was shocked!
>> *'You asked your neighbor?' *
>>
>> The old man replied,
>> 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
>>

[s4x4]

Speakin of old people.

What do old people and the wonderful toy, the slinky have in common?


They both bring a smile to your face as you shove them down the stairs.

[FordCummins]

The 19th hole

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

> COLD BEER: $2.00

> HAMBURGER: $2.25

> CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

> CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

> HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am!"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger!"

[chris112lee]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... Will you marry me? The Princess said NO! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went off roading, drag racing, and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End

[TonyM]

YouTube

YouTube

[TonyM]

Got this in the mail... how to interpret certain things....

[TonyM]

Montana Bear Tragedy

This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!
The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife . . . .

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party..... as they have apparently learned to just sit on their ass and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
This photo is of a Democratic black bear in Montana nicknamed…:

Bearack Obearma